Belonging
by Zaerith Vrinn
Summary: After meeting Blackarachnia Sentinel Prime's world was torn apart, he lost her once and lost who he was, and seeing her again, he no longer knows where he belongs. Sentinel's POV, set after "Predacon's rising"


**Author's Note: **Take's place just after "Predacon's Rising" (I've been meaning to get this written for a while now); this fic was spawned by the look on Sentinel's face as he left Dinobot island. I know I'm not the only one who noticed how tormented Sentinel looked as he was walking away.

**Warning: **Sentinel's POV, angst, implied Sentinel x Elita, Implied Sentinel x Blackarachnia**  
Disclaimer: **If I owned TFA Sent and Blackie's reunion would have been more like my fic "Stages".

Belonging

I'm in a bad habit of acting without thinking.

I've yet to tell Jazz or the Jets what exactly what had happened on that island. They know something's bothering me, I mean I _do_ spend a lot of time in my quarters by myself, but I've never locked the door on them before. Jazz has come knocking three times now, Jetfire and Jetstorm take turns asking if I'm alright more periodically. I haven't answered any of them yet.

I can't take my optics off the helmet she'd been wearing, and in my mind I keep seeing the face that had been hidden beneath it. Elita One. I'd always thought that if there was ever any way that she had survived I would have been happy, but now that I know she did I only feel numb.

I shouldn't have said those things to her. I can only imagine how hurtful my words were. I feel stupid and confused. It feels like a dream - or rather- a nightmare. Humans have a saying 'three times a charm' or something like that. It's slag. I've bitten through my lower lip three times already and am working on a fourth, trying to force myself to wake up, the energon stain on my berth keeps getting bigger, but I never 'wake up', I only feel worse. Of all the things I had wanted to say, the one thing I had truly meant and save in my spark all these stellar cycles never got a chance to be voiced.

"I'm sorry," I whisper aloud to the helm I had smuggled off the island with me. "I'm so sorry Elita." Of course it does not answer. The numbness inside me has grown colder; I clutch my berth tighter as the helm stares back at me with its emptiness.

I've watched her die in an explosion twice now. Once because the old Sentinel was a fun-loving, thrill seeking idiot and now because another Sentinel had sworn never to break another rule in his life. Now both Sentinels were gone as well as her. I don't know who I am now, but it is not Sentinel Prime, just as that femme back there was not Elita One. But…

My spark has grown cold to the pint that it has started to burn, numbness has become pain and I tear my optics from the faceless helm. Beneath it I had seen a face so nearly Elita's it had taken everything I had just to remember the procedures I had to follow in case of an encounter with a Decepticon.

And then I had watched her get blown to smithereens…

With a frustrated cry I jumped up off my berth, summoned my shield and shaped its energy field into a spike form which I hurled into the wall. Next came my lance, I was ready to throw it too.

As I lifted my arms to hurl the energy sword I paused for a painful moment thinking about what I _should_ have done, and regretting my real actions. The more I thought about it the more I supposed I should have recognized that femme as Elita. I lower my lance wishing I could redo my meeting with Blackarachnia.

"I'm such an idiot!" I cry bitterly to myself, "I didn't even get to say good-bye!"

For the Second time.

My spark hurts so much. It's burning and freezing at the same time. A thought flashes across my mind and I am tempted by it. I lift my lance again, this time to my chassis. It would be so easy, just to run it through, end the pain and see Elita again, and let her know how I _really_ feel.

I loved her, that's why losing her was so hard for me, and why her return was almost as painful. When I said it would have been better if she'd gone off line, I meant that it would have been less painful for both of us. Now Elita was gone again and this time I would join her.

"Sentinel Prime sir!"

"Sentinel, come on man, answer me please!"

Their voices stopped me.

I stood there silently a moment, and suddenly I felt foolish standing prepared to stab my own spark out. It dawned on me how much worry was in each of their voices and I realized what, _who_ I'd be leaving behind. Optimus' last words before I left earth came back to me.

_"…for better of for worse that leader is you…"_

I couldn't just abandon my responsibilities, besides…

_This time I'm leaving __**you**__ behind."_

If I left Jazz and the Jet twins, it would be no better than what Elita had done to me. I couldn't force that on them, I didn't notice before, but there was tone of concern shared in their voices as they called through the doors of my private quarters, and I knew. I loved them, not in the romantic sense I had felt for Elita, or the brotherhood I had once shared with Optimus, but a different love, unique to those three.

Jazz, Jetfire and Jetstorm.

I looked back at Blackarachnia's helm; next to it was a picture of Elita I had taken while we were still in the academy. She was holing my shield (at the time I had often said she was better with it then I was) with one foot on the ground and the other on the back plates of a bot who had teased her. She called it her victory photo, and for a thousand stellar cycles it had been my most precious possession.

I picked up the picture and pressed it softly to my lips, "I'm sorry." I whisper once more and laid it back on the table face down.

I opened the door, and was almost hit by three first as my team had lifted them to knock again.

"S-sentinel Prime sir," Jetstorm stuttered, "My brother an' Jazz were wondering if you alright."

"Him too." Jetfire added pointing to his twin.

"SP?" Jazz asked, "Are you…"

Without warning, probably scaring them more in on swift movement then in…I don't know, tow hours?- of silence had. I embraced them. Their surprised gasps made me clench them even tighter. They relaxed, knowing how much I needed this. "I am now." I answered letting them go.

Assured that I was fine, it was only a matter of kliks before the twins were asking me if I would join them in a training simulation, with a smile I agreed. But as they bounded off and Jazz returned to his duties I turned back to look at Blackarachnia's helm once more.

I tried to imagine what Elita would have thought of my friends, and I could almost see her smile with approval.

"Thank you." I muttered to the air and turned to follow the twins.

I am Sentinel Prime, and this is where I belong.

**Author's end note:** I've been losing my faith in TFA since this episode, Sentinel's a much better character than the show is making him seem, but anyway, this one shot developed better then I thought it would and I hope you enjoyed it, maybe almost cried, I know I did.

**Editor's Note:** Zaerith's been working really hard on this, so please leave nice reviews and no flames.


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